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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Druce's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, November 17th, 2011
12:25 am
[Filter: Private]

It's good that she's managed to find a friend other than Nessa and I out here... She was so worried that the people here wouldn't accept her, but Loki has always been a ... well, I was going to use 'straight arrow' but that's a little too much... She hasn't said anything to me about it, but that's normal. She's finally fitting in.

[Filter: Aileen]

I heard you were working on the new puzzle. I was wondering if you wanted any help with it? I've got some free time right now...

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, November 1st, 2011
2:13 am
[Filter: Private]

Night of the Dead... and just after I helped Nessa through that. It's... not as bad as I thought it might be. It still hurts, but there's ... there's a lot of space between now and then. And I faced it myself. I faced it with Nessa in her dream. Aine is gone. Neither of us will ever fill that hole... not completely. But I don't think we're going to be slaves to it anymore.

Nessa's dream... she was literally a slave to it. We saw that so vividly. We saw it, and there's no taking that image out of our minds, I think. And... it's not what I want to be. I don't want to be a slave to it. I don't want to let go of Aine, but... I don't want to trap myself to the figment. She's not out there anymore. She's gone. She's... she's not ever going to come back. And I need to make a new life for myself.
Saturday, October 15th, 2011
12:41 am
[Filter: Private]

I honestly can't stay down there. There are people who can, and... I can't. I just can't do it. That pain is just too raw.

This situation with Aileen isn't getting any better either... but at least I think I can fix it. Maybe.

[Filter: Aileen]

I was wondering if you wanted to go out into the city with me... We haven't had very much fun in a little while, and I thought this might be a good time to have some. I've missed talking to you as much.
Saturday, October 8th, 2011
3:20 am
[Filter: Private]

I don't know what's wrong with her. She seems a lot more distant when I'm around her lately... And I don't even know what I could have done. I've been learning Kilian, and thanking her so much for the book she gave me for it. I haven't said anything provocative lately. I might have done something not realizing it... but then she would have told me. Speaking her mind has never been a problem for her.

I thought I was doing everything right...
Monday, September 19th, 2011
5:05 pm
[Filter: Aileen]

Aileen, you have to... It's not good to get this worked up. They're going to be all right. They have to be all right. But right now neither of us can do anything about it, and when you're so worked up, it puts everyone else on edge... I know he's your friend, but you need to help him right now by keeping a cool head...

Is there any way I could help you?
Thursday, September 15th, 2011
11:32 pm
[Filter: Private]

Well... I really should.

I used to wish that it was me who died on that field, my life for hers. It's not because of all the stories I heard where men would rescue women... Those weren't my favorite stories, anyway. I just ... She deserved it. She still does deserve to be alive. What they did to her, taking her away from the world... I don't know why they had to, but it wasn't her time. It wasn't.

But I have come farther in life. It's been years since it happened, and I can't deny how much has happened. I've changed so much on my own, and ... I really wish she was with me to see it. I don't wish I could die anymore. I'm not even numb anymore. There's a hole that won't be filled again, but ... but I'm still good around that. And I can talk about her. It's hard, but I can talk about her. I can talk about her more easily than I can talk about my parents.

I told Aileen I was going to start coming out of my shell more again, and I will. Bad ... bad timing. But I know that this is only going to get worse the longer I put it off.

At least I have all of my Festival shopping done...
Thursday, September 1st, 2011
1:27 am
[Filter: Private]

I haven't been much help, and I think any role I can play is quickly disappearing... But it's something I can be doing. I like watching her like this. I like how she can puzzle these things out so quickly. Her work on this ancient instrument... Really, we would have had a lot of trouble if she hadn't come. That she has... She's making herself invaluable. She's really becoming one of the people in this group.

It's me who's becoming the one on the outside... And I told her that I would try to stop. And I will.
Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
2:51 am
[Filter: Private]

I want to say that everything's different from when I began travelling with these people. It would be true, but... It's not very true the way I see it. They are still moving forward, trying to find out why ... well, the answer to the question. Why do they have memories that no one else does? Why does their story so perfectly fit, when the world doesn't...? That's still the same. They're ... we're always closer. We're always revealing one more thing, but the question is always still out there.

The people who are in the group change. Both the number, and the faces. Then there's the changes they go through personally... But it's their relationships, and their views on life. Everyone is still looking for the answer. Even if they're only along for other reasons, all of us are looking for the answer.

I'm still here because Nessa is, but... I might stay without her, if she were gone. She can't leave, but if she could... I still want to know the answer, I think. But if Aileen were to go... That would be different. That would be really different. I wouldn't stay.

...

[Filter: Aileen]

Are you busy?
Friday, July 1st, 2011
2:15 am
[Filter: Terrance]

You were right about Kimberly. I know you know that, but I thought you'd like to hear it coming from me too.
Thursday, June 16th, 2011
2:59 am
[Filter: Private]

It's strange... I thought going into this leg would be difficult... The hardest thing we've come across yet... And even if it is, it's become very hard to see it that way. It's very hard to see anything besides the fact that something has changed.

For the first time in a very long time, I think I'm happy.

I've... I've been content. I've been content on this road, with all of these people. I've been passing the time away. Now there's actually someone. She's not Aine. I know it. I do know it. Maybe not entirely, but... It's enough. I know that this is different, and she is different. But she still makes me happy.
Sunday, May 29th, 2011
10:20 pm
[Filter: Aileen]

Are you up for testing the boundaries today? I think the sky is perfect for lighting now, and they're saying there shouldn't be a cloud in the sky for the rest of today. I think I spied a good place too...
Sunday, May 15th, 2011
7:18 pm
[Filter: Private]

The watch is getting a little less ... intrusive. In time we will get the chances we want... Maybe if I make myself seem more friendly to the guards, it might ease their minds. I can seem like just a healer. People don't keep a watch over healers unless they try to get close to the food supply... I wouldn't think, anyway.

After so much time, it would be good to be alone again. No eyes watching us. I wish it could come faster than it is, I really do.
Sunday, May 1st, 2011
12:21 am
[Filter: Private]

I'm keeping the secret so well that it's a secret from me... This is the only way we can really talk, why am I avoiding it?

[Filter: Aileen]

I don't think there's ever going to be a good time when we're not being watched. It seems like every time we go anywhere, there are always too many people around. Guards... Friends... But I have been thinking of ways to get closer to you. I miss being able to be around you, and not having a pretense that we're not together.
Thursday, March 31st, 2011
10:57 pm
[Filter: Private]

I told her that I've moved on, but if I tell her what I've been doing behind her back... I don't think she'd see it that way. I wouldn't say this is the first time I've ever lied to her, but I don't think I've ever kept a secret this big either. Every time I talk to her I have to try so hard not to give her one of my tells. It means we haven't talked much. It means I'm hardly ever inwardly comfortable when we do...

I do need to talk to her more, if only to take away any form of suspicion. She'll know for sure if I pull away too much. She'll find out somehow.

Terrance knows... has known. Though, with no disrespect toward Nessa, she doesn't exactly know it from my perspective... The difference is it would all be over if Nessa found out.

Other than that, the road is more of a threat to us than anything. We haven't been able to do anything together, really. Not overtly...

[Filter: Aileen]</n>

Have you ever considered participating in a game with them?
Wednesday, March 16th, 2011
3:29 am
[Filter: Nessa]

I have a question that might be a little awkward for you to answer. I'll understand completely if you don't feel right answering it... But it's been on my mind, and now I'm curious.
Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
2:31 am
[Filter: Private]

I wonder if it will happen... Getting stuck out here in the snow if they turn us away, and not being able to get back before it's too dark...

There are enough of us so that if we all kept very close, we could stay warm. ... But it would get very awkward, very fast. I'll just... I think I'll just hope that everything turns out alright, and that doesn't happen.
Tuesday, February 15th, 2011
11:29 pm
[Filter: Private]

When did I come to not hate Rose Day? It's not surprising that the anger could slowly fall away... I would be more concerned if it didn't. But was it because I moved on, or was it because I have someone else? Aileen is not Aine... We'll never be able to celebrate Rose Day publicly together. I don't see it ever happening.

Have I even moved on? I still feel the day is about Aine and I whenever I think about it. On our last Rose Day, we never even thought about it being our last one. I never thought... I didn't know that she would...

None of this changes the fact that the same people who were after Aine are after Aileen. I loved Aine, I think I love Aileen... Lately she doesn't think she fits in, and that the group is going to kick her out.

I need to come up with a way to change that... That's the only thing that should matter. Not trying to figure out... why Rose Day is much better for me now.
Monday, January 31st, 2011
11:27 pm
[Filter: Private]

This is what it's going to be like every time I don't volunteer to go somewhere... I can't though. The last time I did Aileen got hurt, and I... But Dragons, I swear, biting your nails while your friends are in a very bad situation...

It isn't going to be a very fun time here...
Thursday, January 6th, 2011
12:42 am
[Filter: Aileen]

Would you like another blanket...? I won't say I'm warm with what I have, but I could spare one if you... if you did need one...
Tuesday, December 28th, 2010
11:20 pm
[Filter: Aileen]

I don't think I can go on with things between us like this anymore... I've been too embarrassed to come to you like I should have -- right away -- and ... it's hard saying exactly how sorry I am that it happened.

I read what you wrote in the worst way possible, and I thought you were saying something completely different than what you were. I should never have touched you like that, and there's no way I can make that up to you. What I thought you were saying... I shouldn't have assumed it was what you were saying.
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